Monday, April 09, 2007

Wealth Redistribution

{start sarcasm}

Global citizens,

I, the blogger formerly known as Quipper, recently had an epiphany. Politically, I realized that not many of my thoughts were accurate. I was misled in my dealings with people on political fronts, and started to learn the error in my ways.

I have chosen to become more liberal in my thoughts and feelings. Let me explain:

  • I learned that I really am smarter than most other people. While this is a trait that is becoming of me, I have not been forthcoming of it with you. I apologize for being so simple-minded and meek. I promise I will not make this mistake again.
  • Knowing that I am smarter than most other people, I must use that knowledge to change people. Even if they don't like it, I must do it. It is for the good of America. It is a sacrifice that I must make.
  • Knowing that I must do this, I must be willing to forsake my priniciples to make a better America. I must start here by becoming wealthy beyond my greatest expectations, regardless of who I have to manipulate and what I have to do to become so. Only when my wealth matches my wisdom will I become respected as an icon.
  • Once I have this wealth, I must determine how to gain for myself every modern convenience regardless of ongoing cost to myself, my foundations, advocacy groups, and the crusades I espouse. Otherwise, how will the media ever recognize me as an icon? Remember, I must do this for the good of all Americans.
  • After gaining this wealth and all my required conveniences - 25,000 sq ft houses, 3-4 SUVs, a motor vehicle entourage, etc. - I must be able to convincingly rationalize my need for all of them. I must rationalize in a way that traces back to my "poor" (not really), destitute (not even close), miserable (not) upbringing, so that all those people that are not as smart as me actually end up empathizing with me and justifying these needs for myself.
  • Once I've handled this, I need to sacrifice my family, everything I've learned and everything I've taught my children, in order to teach people the error of their ways. Yes, it's true...I must campaign for political office on the national stage as a liberal Democrat. This means I must become diligent in asking for money from people who shouldn't provide it, so that I can help them change the way they live because I can help them more than they can help themselves.
  • Finally, to ensure that everyone understands how my view of the issues affects them, I will only speak to the most dire outcomes of every issue; to speak of probable or likely outcomes would not raise enough of an outcry to make a difference.
Okay, I hope you're with me so far. That's just the beginning. It was really difficult to come to the realization that I need to do all those things. I promise you, with my new-found self-awareness, the discovery of my unbound potential and the overwhelmingly superior power of my intellect, I will do everything I stated above to bring about the following change in America: introduction of the carbon credit as a new unit of currency.

Oh, I know many of you are complaining already. But that's just because you don't understand what can be done with carbon credits. Yes, because I will be filthy rich, I will have many more carbon credits than you do. And, if I really need more because my lifestyle expends vastly more CO2 than the average American does, I don't need to curb my lifestyle but only need to purchase more carbon credits.

Please don't see this as hypocrisy. Remember, I am allowing myself to be penalized for extending my emission of CO2 beyond what is permitted. For the good of the country. It shouldn't matter to you that my egregious, almost vulgar, creation of CO2 in one month is beyond what you would expend for an entire year, and that my emissions and use of carbon credits don't help solve the (theorized) global warming problem at all. I feel good about being penalized for expending more CO2 than you do. And I feel good knowing that I can help make poor people richer by buying their unneeded carbon credits from them because they can't afford to make use of them. You should be happy to do the same, and give up your carbon credits to those of us willing to make the supreme sacrifice for this great country. It will diminish your power and influence, but it will be for the good of the poor.

See, everyone gets what they want in the end. I just hope you understand that I am doing this for the good of our children and grandchildren.

Thank you.

p.s. To fully understand how much I am giving up of myself, you must know that I should principally align myself with the Green party. Alas, that party is marginalized and its candidates are considered unelectable. Hence, I will register as a Democrat. Please forgive me for doing what is best for the country.

{end sarcasm}

Isn't it interesting that carbon credits are a liberal way of letting the liberal rich get richer, while still doing nothing for the poor and middle class? And it doesn't really do diddly for the purported global warming problem, because your most egregious offenders will continue to be your most egregious offenders, and like with tax law, there will be loopholes that they can use to avoid compliance.

Talk about the utmost in hypocrisy.

(Finally, I'm starting to distrust Wiki; it seems like it's trending left on a number of issues, instead of simply reporting arguments.)


Scott said...
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Scott said...
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Scott said...


HUH? Did you say something? I'm sorry, I didn't hear you. I was staring at my belly button.

Des_Moines_Girl said...


Is it just me, or are the "carbon off sets" vaguely reminiscent of "indulgences" the Catholic Church had going for awhile?

My point is this...the Greenies having Gore-gasms over global warming have created their own religion and are now trying to force it on everyone else.

Paranoia? Maybe...

Rick said...


Thanks! Yes, they remind Marie and me of the Roman Catholic indulgences, too. For all their disdain for religion, they certainly have created a formidable one of their own - environmentalism.