Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Quipper News Service Exclusive - 12-19-2007


The federal government, in order to cut down the occurrence of knife usage in cafeterias, kitchens and restaurants across America, passed a bill scheduled to take effect on February 29, 2008. If signed by President Bush, all food placed before the public would need to be presented so that using a knife is no longer necessary.

Congress recognizes that this issue cuts to the heart of the ever-increasing violence issues in schools and elsewhere. "This issue has teeth," said one congressman.

President Bush is expected to sign the bill. His spokesman said, "There is no need to slice up this bill."

"We are incisively following this concern," said Dee Sagust, chairwoman of the nonpartisan organization Parents for Bliss. "There is sharp division between us and our opponents. We believe no child should be put in a position of hurting themselves or others. The temptation to do evil here is too great. It's not like we are talking about condoms; we are talking about kitchen utensils."

Congress has not yet dealt with the issue of knives used in meal prep. As a long term resolution, Congress believes that serving only pureed food is the safe option. WalMart is pre-emptively bidding to provide below-cost pureeing plants in China, while Tyson is offering to provide the service inexpensively by hiring only aliens with criminal records to perform the work.

An adult's eye view of beef puree, rare

The prickly issue of violence caused by fork tines will also be eliminated by the longer term solution.

Sagust says, "As long as people only use spoons, the world will be a much safer place."

The food service industry is carving out a response, as restaurants have the most to lose by this proposal. On the other hand, Gerber and Beech-Nut are enthralled with the new bill.



Scott said...

"Now if congress would just do something about making brken glass illegal," commented Sagust at the end of the news conference!

Man...where do you get this stuff. That was Onion worthy.


Rick said...

Thanks Scott! The inspiration comes from nowhere in particular. Must be my "Onion muse". :-)