Sunday, August 20, 2006

Jilted by a Broad

Warning!!! Double entendre overload.

You remember your first time, don't you. The preconceived notions of how good it would be. Stories from friends. Husbands and wives blushing over their excitement at their own recollections. The smooth, the crazy, the joyful.

Then your time finally arrived. The anticipation, the tingling from head to toe. The craving, the desire, the almost supernatural ability to block out all distractions, and focus on making it to this biggest event at this time in your life, the one that would change things forever, come hell or high water. Nothing would top it. Even if it wasn't all that you had dreamed, life would still be better - more romantic, more passionate, more fulfilling - afterward.

Yes, that was my experience, too. And it was everything that I expected. And, man, oh, man, was life good afterwards.

At least for a while.

We had a marvelous relationship: me and the Broad. But she, a mature adult, decided to start acting like a ungrateful teenager. Oh, she still looked good, and could deliver the goods when she felt like it. But, she left my side at the most inconvenient times.

First, it was only during prime time - she loved the commercials at the top and bottom of the hour, and left me alone while she sat in front of the tube. Then, she forgot to come back after the commercials. It was almost as though she forgot her long-term commitment to me. Okay, so it was on a pay-as-you-go basis, not exactly the way long-term relationships are built, but it worked. I would stay faithful to her, if she would stay faithful to me.

I learned later that she started offering her wares - in different varieties - to willing suitors. Then she started offering them to me, like she did the others. Fulfilling these offers made her weak, unable to maintain the stamina she once had.

Then, it got worse. I had to start tricking her. Waking up hours before work, just to have five minutes of her time. Yes, I admit, it was a fix. I couldn't live without her. But, she started catching on. She'd sleep when I would awaken. She'd tease when I didn't want to be teased. She'd drive me mad!

Now, I don't know when I'll see her next. It could be tonight, for blissful, joyous hours on end. Or, it could be for 30 seconds every fifteen minutes, if at all.

I've spent hours with her personal counselors, who practice out of India of course. The hours on the phone for no benefit were disconcerting. The counselors just didn't understand the commitment. They told me to give her more affection - a new interface, per se - and it would do wonders for our relationship. They said I should lower my expectations of her. After all, she oversold herself to me, and I was giddy enough to fall for it. I even brought in my own mediator, but she wouldn't even talk to him. We just didn't connect. One of her counselors even told me that I was out of touch - out of her range, actually - although I never moved. Somehow, our communication degraded over time. The proximity was the same, but the distance had changed. Too bad, so sad.

So, as much as I would like to believe that it is me terminating this bad relationship, I know this Broad jilted me a long time ago. She has so many others already, and really doesn't care about me. Oh well, it's time to move on.

Wait a second! Just WHAT do you think I'm talking about?

I'm talking about my relationship with Broad B. Ahnd and her counseling crew, EarthLink.

The Broad, at least the one offered by Earthlink, will be replaced soon.


Scott said...


Barb the Evil Genius said...

Cable internet works well for us, although our provider recently got sucked up by the big evil monopoly. We'll see how that goes.

Barb the Evil Genius said...

Oh, and just for your wife, "A lady wouldn't wander all over the room, and give some other guy bigger bandwidth!"

Des_Moines_Girl said...


We still struggle with dial up at home, which essentially means it takes entirely too long to get started, slow and boring in the middle and very little satisfaction once you're all done - followed by frustration, resentment and despair.

*Tee hee!*