Wednesday, January 03, 2007

The Patch

Ladies, have you been feeling lazy lately, wanting to become a gold digger rather than earning your keep?

Men, would you rather be a bum, er, homeless man, than pay governments up to 50% of your earnings in taxes?

Corporate officials, are you fed up with having to go to investors to bail you out of another bad business decision, for fear that they may not support you?

Well, then WAKE UP! Quipper Helps, a new division of the Quipper jaggernaut, has created a new product to help you quell those nagging cravings. We gladly present to you...


Yes! The Entitlement Patch is exactly what you need to get you out of that entitlement-craving funk!

  • Thinking that welfare benefits should extend to $10,000 higher than you earn? No problem!
  • Enrolling your kids in the school lunch program, even though your combined family income is approaching six figures? We understand!
  • Looking at ways that your company can accumulate more government subsidies? That's okay!
The Entitlement Patch will help you eliminate your desired government addictions. Just place the patch on your forehead, and in mere weeks, you, too will eliminate entitlement entrapment.

Not only that, but your purchase of The Entitlement Patch automatically enrolls you in our almost-free* Entitlement Support Program. You will have 24x7 access to our special 900 number (1-900-IMA-LOSR).


For those of you already addicted to government entitlements, Quipper Helps has also created the "Think For Yourself" program. This handy, gold bound brochure** will help you understand the purpose behind hard work, succeeding and failing on your own merits, and being a responsible adult and citizen. Endorsed negatively by Alec Baldwin and Gweneth Paltrow, having your hands on this little brochure will make you the talk of all the high society parties.


The Entitlement Patch can be yours for the mere low price of nothing. That's right...nothing! And if you commit to using the Entitlement Support Program for at least sixty minutes, we'll throw in the free "Think For Yourself" brochure ABSOLUTELY FREE.

The Quipper Helps Entitlement Patch...doing for you what you won't do for yourself! And profiting from it!!!

Dial 1-800-I-M-A-L-O-S-R Now! Operators are standing by!

* Your first five minutes use of the Entitlement Support Program (ESP) is free. After that, for each additional call we make to you to check up on you will cost you $5 per minute.

** This exsquisite single-page brochure says, "I am a free thinking, able-bodied, able-minded person. I do not need the government to do anything for me. I am responsible for my own actions; I cannot blame them on anyone else."

Disclaimer: no politicians died during the making of this product. But we were ever so hopeful.


Anonymous said...

I am just about ready to buy. I just need someone to tell me what to do! I can't decide!!!


Marie N. said...

How long did it take you to find tat patch picture?! Very nice.

Brian said...

So is your argument that all social programs or bad, or are you just mocking the excesses?

Quipper said...

Scott: thanks for playing along.

Marie: I found two images, and merged them together with the basic Microsoft Draw tool.

Brian: it's actually neither. My problem is that we are now conditioned to look to government first, which is what I am lampooning. For able-bodied, able-minded persons who made the bed they lie in, government should not lend a hand. This not only goes for individuals, but for businesses, too.

Anonymous said...

LOL, if I call in now will you send me another patch for free?

Barb the Evil Genius said...

I wanna be an illegal immigrant. Free everything!!!

Presbytera said...

Hey! I'm entitled!!

Brian said...


I find it difficult to agree with the argument that "For able-bodied, able-minded persons who made the bed they lie in, government should not lend a hand." In fact it would be disingenuous for me to make such an assertion given that I am the product of government hand-lending.

I was able to attend university because federal and state governments paid my education costs. I am a product of state schools, and state universities. Given my family's economic standing, a self-funded education would have been impossible (or would have required large amounts of debt).

I am the first of my family to attend college, and I am now physics professor through the combination of my own skills and hard work AND government hand-outs. Because of the generosity of tax-payers I am able to contribute to the scientific and technological advancement of our country.

Quipper said...


I think you've uncovered an interesting topic for a BraveHumans post. (See the "NEW" link in my Favorites list.) It frustrates me knowing that, if my daughter or son choose to go to college, and do not get scholarships, then I will make too much money to get "help", but not enough to keep them away from student loans. Funny, I ran into the same problems myself 20 years ago. The more things change, the more they stay the same....

My point here is against laziness, the same laziness that makes us wonder *first* what someone else will do for me, rather than what I can do to improve my situation:

- the one that blames someone I don't know for my lack of success, just because they are closer to where I want to be in life.

- the one that blames God for my television viewing from 8:00-11:00pm every night when I gain twenty pounds and accumulate "keg abs".

- the one that makes me want to sue Sherwin Williams in a class-action lawsuit, to force them to scrape and re-paint the asbestos-laden paint off the house I chose to buy (yes, that is Cleveland).

- the one that wants to legally mandate that restaurants eliminate trans-fats, while I eat an Egg McMuffin for breakfast, a Big Mac supersized meal for lunch, and meat lovers pizza for supper. (Veggies and fruit, what are those?)

Yes, there are situations where I cannot help myself. I concur. But, let's set the baseline first, then assess what to do with those situations that extend beyond it.

People can be smart if they choose to be. Humans must be brave to be resourceful. They don't have to be brave to be lazy.

Barb the Evil Genius said...

If we cut out the state funding of colleges and universities, and actually gave the tax savings back to the taxpayer, we'd see extra $ in every one of our paychecks. If we thought ahead, we could actually put some of that money aside for our children's education, therefore having more money to cover the higher cost of colleges and universities w/out state funding. Or we could spend the money on what we thought was important for our own family.

Plus, colleges and universities might actually cut their costs by paying a little bit more attention to their budgets and cutting out some of the useless garbage if they were not feeding out of the government trough.

I do not intend to personally disparage anyone's family/background/etc.etc.etc. with these statements. This is my own POV, YMMV, blah blah blah.

GDAEman said...

Thanks for including the huge corporations in this (assistance to small businesses is OK). In dollar terms, the big corps probably swamp the rest in terms of gov't subsidies. I guess that's another research project to quantify.

Along Brian's line, I recall a speech by Ronald Reagan, who used an example of some very successful person "making it on his own." That person then came out and made similar comments like that of Brian. The GI Bill after WWII(educational suport) and Fannie Mae (mortgage support) can be credited with creating the middle class as we once knew it.

Fannie Mae has now been corrupted, and has been enabling too many shaky mortgage loans; Institutions often get "captured" by unsavory interests and need to be revamped.

Happy 2007

Quipper said...

GDAEman, thanks for stopping by again. Happy new year.

Several points here, and made on previous blogs by other commenters to this post, have made some good points. The comments are reinforcing my belief that some delimiters are needed around what is granted (i.e. fund-wise), to whom, and when. We are too willing to pass around other people's money.

Anyone have a free year to discuss? :-)